Looking Back and Looking Forward

As 2015 is coming to a close, I was thinking about what my next blog post would be about and when it would actually be posted. A friend of mine had previously suggested just writing about my life: my family, homeschooling, my experiences, and so on. Yes, this may seem like a “typical” day-before-New-Year’s-Eve post, but it really captures some key points in this past year that have really served to grow me and that capture just a small portion of my life. So here goes…

Well, January started in a seemingly normal way: cramming for a piano recital, getting into the groove of school again, and looking forward to my birthday. But so many small things, things that aren’t noticed at first, were different, flipping the norm upside down. My sister wasn’t there to prod my siblings and me to practice on the piano. I was going to be a teenager. I was behind in school for once. My life, physical, emotional, and spiritual, seemed to be in shambles. But life went on, like always, even though I was praying it would just pause for a moment so I could escape the stress. And God, with much resistance on my part, pulled me through the school and recital.

February brought more stress from school, a slight reprieve from piano, and excitement. Ladies from both the churches I attended were preparing for having babies, and as a girl who knew these women fairly well, that excitement was contagious. This month also brought along a single night that really got me thinking about my spiritual life. Our assistant pastor and his family came over for dinner one night, and he sat down with some of my siblings and me to discuss our faith. We mostly wanted to know about assurance of it, but he taught us so much more about it and what it means to be a Christian. That seemed to nicely set up the remainder of the year, full of lessons of God, who He was, and what He wanted me to be.

Which brings us to March, which brought some of the greatest adventures of my life. After spending endless hours studying and taking tests, I finally felt ready for my Spring Break, when my family and me would go to Costa Rica to visit one of my sisters. The weekend before we left, we hosted youth group for the first time. (SIDE-NOTE: I never knew how much a group of 15 or so teenagers ate!!) At the end of that night, we sent our pets away with some friends. That’s when vacation became real. So some days later, we were all up by 3:00 am being chauffeured to the airport. Half of us had never been on a plane, so that was exciting enough! But when we arrived in Costa Rica… the feeling can’t even be described.

It. Was. Gorgeous.

On our first day, we met up in San Jose, the capitol, with my sister as well as with some missionary friends. Everything felt so homey and wonderful… and HOT! After a few days in San Jose, we took the sickening travel to the Arenal area, where we met up with my aunt and her daughter. The Arenal are was more tropical than San Jose, and the volcano was amazing! And although zip-lining was nerve-wracking, it was good too! We went to the hot springs by the volcano twice and just chilled and enjoyed the waterslides they had there. Despite the horrible sunburns we got on the first day there (which most of us still have tans from), everything went fairly smooth… until the drive back home where we nearly drove off a cliff. No kidding. We nearly died. Ask anyone in my family. Don’t ask how it happened, ‘cause I have no clue. It. Just. Did. And it’s those moments that you really feel God’s hand on you. And if you’ve never had that type of experience… well, I wouldn’t recommend wishing for it. It’s terrifying.

The rest of our experience in Costa Rica was mostly in San Jose. Well, we did spend the day once in La Paz, going to the Doka Coffee Factory and then to the waterfall gardens… and seeing ANOTHER volcano. But then we traveled home, and that takes us to the beginning of April, the one months that, for the most part, did not contain much excitement. Just school, for the most part. And the flu. ;)

May was a life-changing month, mostly for reasons way too personal to admit. It started off with just school, looking forward to finals, and piano… which mostly summed up my life then! But then, I gained a best friend. This person hasn’t ceased to offer mounds of support to me. Sharing personal life experiences to uplift me and always encouraging me in my faith, this person has been one of the biggest changes in my life this year. Definitely an unforgettable gift from God that I am truly thankful for.

June brought (so to speak) my sister home from Costa Rica, another piano recital (which I was super excited and NOT stressed about), and a summer book club. And tears. June brought the first giant batch of many tears. This is when I really started to realize how imperfect I am… how much I sin and can’t do right on my own. Which brought around A LOT of depression, and in that mood, July began, taxing me in all ways possible. Countless nights I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. For once in my life, I didn’t feel like my usual, upbeat, happy self. Just gloomy, depressed, and hollow, being forced to put on a happy face so I didn’t have to deal with pity. (Sounds harsh, but that was my thinking.)

August arrived all too soon, ending summer school but continuing the depression. It didn’t help that one of my favorite “relaxers” (playing piano) seemed to be ripped from me because, after catching a football incorrectly, I had broken my finger. And then camp came at the end of August, and I honestly just wanted to kill myself. No joke. I hate myself for admitting that, but it’s true. Like stated in the last post, I really was not fond of God’s ways those first few days. But the people he sent me… the situations… the time away from regular life to spend with Him. My depression went away. By the end of camp, I sat down by the river by my cabin and cried. Not tears of hatred or sadness. Tears of happiness and joy. He’d pulled me through again, and this time, I really wanted to admit it. To love Him fully, to treasure Him forever, to be His. At that time, I started to get a real feel for what my associate pastor said in February, for what my new best friend, and all my friends for that matter, had been saying... about God and His nature and character and me.

Seems like a high note to end August on, and it definitely boosted me into September and the start of school! I was excited to enter freshman year of high-school. The challenge intrigued me… yeah, I had no idea what I was getting into!! ;) But everything went smooth for the most part, and at the end of the month, my church had its annual Youth Retreat, which is always one of the best weekends of my life. God used this retreat to spiritually grow me more than I could have ever imagined, and in ways I can’t quite describe by just blogging. That weekend was so beneficial. A weekend that extremely helped for a huge challenge ahead.

Remember that tale of a broken finger? Yeah. Most of you know all the details, but it’s still a major point in this year! So that’s what October brought: stuff about my finger. Early October, I had a pin put in. My entire hand was numb for the remainder of that day and I was totally out of it, but that night, I was up all night crying. It. Hurt. I have a high pain tolerance, but this just tipped me off. The next day, I was on high medication doses, nearly sending myself to the hospital again because I wouldn’t drink anything. At the end of that day, after all the medicine had worn off, my finger hurt a little, but I felt a WHOLE lot better… that medication really messed me up. The next day was Sunday, and I was pretty out of it, but it was really nice to go to church, where God continued to speak to me. Through the rest of that month, I struggled with learning to do things with the pin in, but that forced me to run to God more and more. I wouldn’t trade that month for anything.

So! November! Well, I got the pin out (Hallelujah!) and starting working that joint again. It hurt, but it’s been worth it! Life seemed rosy, but then I had a night that kinda left me a little down again. So this might kill me… it’s a level of personal that kinda rubs me the wrong way to post, but what in this thing hasn’t been at least a little uncomfortable? Here’s part of my journal entry from that night:

“I’m a monster. I hate myself. I hate my sin, how it makes me feel far from God and family. I hate giving into temptation.How can God love me? How can anyone love me? I’m a monster, a disgrace, a screw-up.Why am I here? Why do I spend endless nights crying about my sin? Why do You seem so far away, LORD? Why do You love me?HELP ME, GOD!I’m so sinful, such a monster. Please save me from myself, from sin from the devil.”

The events that caused all that really don’t matter, but that’s just the way I felt, and I was sobbing while writing this. And that’s what I prayed. Ok… so here’s a part of my journal entry from the next morning:

“I needed last night. Thank you for it, God.
I prayed a lot. I felt so broken. I felt lost.But after writing, I flipped through my Bible, finding several verses that made me smile. God loves me. I’m His. He sent His Son for me. He hates sin, but He loves His people.I needed last night. I needed to listen long and hard to You. It was painful, but worth it. Thank you God!”

A lot of my life seems to be like that night, but God turns those nights into times of smiling and rejoicing, learning and prayer. :) That night set me up nicely for Thanksgiving, which had a whole new meaning after moments like that.

DECEMBER!!! Present month, finally. You’re almost done, readers!! Haha!

December brought some times like that one in November, but God pulled me through and opened my eyes to see Him and His goodness. Besides that, we went to FLORIDA!! First day in Florida was recovering and swimming and spending time with my mom’s mom and her husband. We LOVE to swim. Monday, or second day in Florida, we traveled to Busch Gardens, which reminded me how much I love water rides and scream in fright while on rollercoasters. Tuesday was a chill day, and Wednesday was beach day. We saw things like sharks, dolphins, jumping fish, and LOTS of waves. Jumping waves is amazing. I kinda wanted to live at the beach forever. Thursday we had our Christmas dinner and went to an… interesting… Christmas Eve service, and Friday we traveled to see my mom’s dad, his wife, and my great aunt and uncle, whom I had never met but now extremely love. Oh! And Christmas day I got to talk on the phone to my big brother, who I haven’t been able to communicate with for a long time. Saturday we went deep-sea fishing. I actually didn’t fish, and neither did half my family. However, I can say I froze in the galley and experienced my first bout of seasickness. Sunday we went to church (and somehow I got roped into playing hymns… which, without a finger and music, was interesting), walked and took care of my grandpa’s dogs (LOVED that job), and just hung around and packed up. And Monday and Tuesday we drove.

So today is my first day back in Massachusetts after a while! It warmed my heart to see my sis-in-law today, even if for only an hour. Now, I just need to begin cramming for a bunch of tests! (Prayers for that are VERY appreciated.)

I have nicknamed 2015 “The Year of Tears”. Do I want pity for my hardships, pains, and tears? No. Because through those tears, God taught me a number of things I could never have learned otherwise. He has gifted me the people, resources, and all of that to get me through. He has given me His strength. And who knows? Maybe He’ll use this post to speak to someone like me, who still sobs some nights about my fallen nature.

What do I see in 2016? A bunch of uncertainty, mostly about things I can’t say to a lot of people right now. What else do I see? Growth. In every area of my life. I predict challenges but also joy. If I could request prayer for a few things…

1.      That God would continue to grow me as a Christian, giving me assurance of my faith and a full love for Him.

2.      That school, piano (which will hopefully start up again soon for me), and library work would go well, and that I would seek to serve Him through it all.

3.      That even with all the uncertainty in family and other matters, I would trust God fully.

And I will pray for y’all: for a blessed New Year, for growth as a Christian, for health and happiness, as well as anything you may share with me.

God bless y’all. Happy New Year!